I have learned that what my heart truly desires is not relief from pain. I truly don’t want the difficulty of bad circumstances to go away and for stuff to work out. That’s not to say that I take some strange delight in difficulty or conflict. I think I would prefer a quiet, peaceful, and drama-free life. I have lived through some quietly peaceful times…I like it that way. But it was during those times that I realized a profound absence of the one who sustains me. It seems like the messes of living….or relationships…or whatever are what draw me to grace’s throne. The darkness tells me that if I was a better man then my life would not be so messy. As I trace my choices back to their source I realize that the root of my difficulty NOW is when I said in my heart THEN “Jesus….you are the LORD of me.”

I didn’t get it wrong. I got it right. I haven’t performed perfectly….efficiently….or perhaps even effectively. But I did not get it wrong…..I got it right.

There’s an irony here that only a few will understand. In the middle of adversity…pain…difficulty…I want relief…I want stuff to work out in a way that pleases and relieves me. But in the midst of what hurts me is the one who saved me. I have found for me that as I manage and manipulate my troubles toward painlessness I walk away from the one who meets me there. But that’s just me. Perhaps there are others who have discovered a way to live pain free while also experiencing a thriving relationship with Jesus. Do such as these really exist?

The bottom line is this…..my life in a nutshell is this….I’ll gladly have more pain…more trials and difficulty if I get more Jesus.

It’s been some years since I wrote the previous paragraphs and I have discovered that there are more lines below the bottom line.