I’m thinking that if I were not being forced to endure the consequences of the poor choices of others then my life would be roses. On the other hand that may just be an illusion that I have manufactured. If I didn’t have the mess of someone else to distract me then I would have to turn my eyes inward to my own mess. My unwillingness to assist someone else shoulder the consequences of their bad life choices I think makes me appear as less then compassionate. I have never been accused of being tender hearted toward foolish people. It is not that I don’t suck it up and do what’s necessary to get the ox of someone else out of the ditch….again. I struggle to have a good attitude about it. It’s really not much of a struggle…I have a bad attitude. I resent being the safety net for someone else. I don’t have someone waiting to relieve or assist me with the negative consequences of my bad choices. There is no clarity of where the line is. When does my assistance begin to thwart the learning process? What really is my role? Why do I feel motivated by guilt?

I have a friend who told me that he made rules for his children based on what he knew to be true from a life time of experience. He made his rules based on wisdom. He told me that the problem with his rules was that he applied them to people with very limited life experience. I got the impression that he had some difficulty obtaining obedience to some rules because his children had no bank of life experience that would make his rules reasonable to them. My own experience as a parent has shown me that rules based on wisdom applied to children were viewed as road blocks to pleasure. An example of a rule would be no consumption of alcoholic beverages or attendance at events where such is permitted. Teenage social situations, teenage drivers, and alcohol are a recipe for disaster….right? The rule was really about protection but some of my children made it a rule about trust. If I trusted them then I wouldn’t have to tell them to stay away from activities involving alcohol. Another example would be the standard “no brain required to understand” rule that says being in a parked car on a lonely lane in the moonlight with your beau or sweetheart is another banned activity. Again, the rule was regarded by them as an insult to their trustworthiness.

Most of my kids are of legal age and for the most part they still view my rules as insults to their ability to choose. For the most part they still perceive me as a guy with trust issues. The reality is that within the boundaries I attempted to erect I trusted them perfectly. What they fail to understand is that outside the boundaries I’m placed in the impossible situation that forces me to trust someone other than my child to behave safely or honorably. The fact of the matter really is that my children didn’t trust ME not the other way around. That is such a bitter pill because it forces me to ask why was I not trusted. This is especially true when they did exactly what I prohibited and the natural negative consequences ensued. I wonder……do they trust me now? No, they do not. I don’t get it.

As the darkness creeps in I stand heckled and accused. I have failed miserably and spectacularly. I was trusted with a role as dad and was found wretchedly wanting in my ineptitude. There is no peace only turmoil of heart.

I sent a note to my oldest daughter some time ago. I said that if there was to be peace then someone must surrender. I was invited to surrender the very thing that I believed God had made me for. God gave me children…..a lot of them. He wanted me to surrender the thing where I placed most of my identity….my role as father. I so wanted to succeed because circumstance had robbed me of mine.

There come moments of quiet introspection when something, a piece of music, a pleasant memory, a look from the woman who loves me, or the smell of a blossom transports me to a quiet place where I can hear the near silent whispers of the one who is so patient. I say, “So I’m to surrender even this?” He says, “Especially this.” I continue, “Must I surrender even this? I have such love for those who you have given me. I had such energy to guide….to influence…..to shepherd.” He asks “How do you feel now?” I respond, “I’m tired. I’m losing heart for the task. I see no relief. I fear the inevitability of failure.” Tenderly and almost silently he says, “Leave it here with me.” I counter with “So you’re asking me to give up….to quit….to accept defeat!?” A deep breath and with a look that never wavers he says “You speak as though the story is over when it has scarcely begun. Let me be clear with you, I never made you for this role. I gave you this role not to identify you but to teach you, to shape you into what I did make you for. I didn’t make you to be a father. I made you to be a son…my son.” As the truth of his words begin to penetrate, he asks me, “Will you leave them here?” I say, “I don’t know.” He begins to fade but he asks me, “Look at your children, who do you see?” I turn to look at my children and I see them but I don’t see them, I see…..me. I don’t get it. “What does this mean?” He answers, “I show you yourself by showing you them………you can trust me.” And he was gone.