Jesus said, “If you want to be my disciple then turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.” The Bible says “your cross,” not “the cross” or “a cross.” What is “your cross?” Or maybe better put, what is my cross?

At the time Jesus spoke these words the cross was the universal symbol for death. It was the symbol for death that was preceded by torture and physical agony. The cross was something that would surely kill a person but first it was going to hurt……a lot. The cross was heavy. It was the tool of execution one carried as the killing ground was approached. As I apply Jesus’ words to me, here is how I perceive them. I have a desire to follow Christ but before I can follow him I must first repent of my personal agenda. I must deny myself. It is at this point that I take up my cross and follow Jesus. Am I the only person who recognizes the absurdity of the instructions? The cross is heavy. When I get to wherever I am going with it I will be executed on it. I have a desire to follow Jesus. He tells me to deny myself, hoist a burdensome cross onto my shoulder and follow him. Where else can I be going but to my death!? This is when a person sees the quality and depth of their faith and trust in Jesus.

Following Jesus is a choice one makes, a commitment one makes that I think is even more profound than marriage. Am I willing to follow him even to my death? My grasp of reality has not lapsed to the extent that I believe literally that being a follower of Jesus will result in my crucifixion outside of the city. Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? No. When I die my commitment to my wife has been honored and concluded but my commitment to Jesus continues into what lies beyond the grave.

Everyone suffers. One doesn’t have to follow Jesus to experience suffering. What is the difference between normal human suffering and the suffering Jesus alluded to when he invited me to take up my cross? I think there is a suffering that comes as a direct result of taking up ones cross. I think it’s interesting that Jesus didn’t say take up “the” cross, “a” cross or a generic one-size-fits-all cross. He said to take up YOUR cross. There is a cross that is mine. There is suffering that is mine. The question remains: What is my cross? Because it is not two pieces of rough cut timber nailed together to look like this—> T , built for the purpose of killing me.

Currently I am of the opinion that my cross is the work God has given me to do. People have different names for what I call work. Calling, ministry, or mission have been used I think to describe the same thing. I believe the work I am to do is important. If I fail to take up my cross and fulfill the purpose God has for me then my work will NOT get done. I don’t believe there is an understudy for me and I don’t think God has another shoulder to tap if I fail. I believe the work God has for individual followers of Jesus is important. How important can it be if God’s bench is so deep in talent that any number of people can do it? I reject the idea that my cross will be taken up by another, my name scratched off, and someone else’s name applied. Again, this is just my opinion. I struggle with the necessity of a second string.

Once upon a time God gave me a work to do. I did the work. I suffered as a result of taking up the task. The most important person in the world to me suffered with me. We endured the suffering because we believed the outcome would look much differently than it does. Now I stand at a time that can be reasonably called the conclusion of the work. I think of the effort, the sacrifice, and the heartbreak as I examine the result of the work and the suffering. I can’t help but conclude that I have failed in spectacular fashion. I recognize that I am not authorized to judge anyone……even myself. I just hoped for more cross carriers but haven’t seen nearly enough……..yet.

I have given my oldest daughter the same advice many times. I should take that advice now. It has to do with the “most important thing” as it pertains to the work God gives us to do. God doesn’t need us to do the work. He doesn’t need cross carriers. He is able to accomplish his agenda and bring about his kingdom without our help. In fact our involvement most surely impedes the process yet he desires us to have a part and be present as the work is done. The most important thing is not the work God has given us to do. The most important thing is the work God wants to do in us. The work God wants to do is to transform us into people who look like Jesus. How can I hope to be like Christ having not suffered?

I am not the man I wish to be but I am also not the man I was…….now back to work!