Being a dad…raising children…was and continues to be a remarkably ugly business with precious few bright spots. I say that because the question I’m supposed to be answering asked me what I found most fulfilling about raising children. The process and the current results have not lived up to my expectations.

One…some…or maybe all of my children may chance upon these lines and think to themselves,” Oh, this is where dad shares his heart about what an extraordinary experience he had raising me and my siblings!” Oops! Sorry…but no. What people expect and what they get rarely meets their expectation. Okay…it was extraordinary…extraordinarily brutal…and I can’t explain the relief it is…at least to me…to know that each of them is their own or someone else’s problem now.

There was a time in my life when I believed myself to be as close to God in Heaven as ever as I could get. I loved him for what he did to redeem me. I wanted to please him. I wanted him to be proud of me. God was good to Keri and I in those early days. That’s not to say that I was good…I wasn’t…but God and my sweetheart were. Let me also point out that there wasn’t some point in time when God stopped being good. He is always good…everything that passes through his hands to us is good…or good for us. There did however come a time when I had to redefine what “good” was.

I guess it’s safe to say that I had my own expectations as to how things would eventually turn out. In my mind they seemed reasonable…but I suppose they weren’t. If my expectations were a target at ten paces away…well…I think I may have shot myself in the foot.

One day God called me. Through a series of circumstances he called me to do something that raised the hairs on the back of my neck. A short time later he also called Keri. He called us to grow our family in a way that was miles and miles outside of our box…our comfort zone…through adoption. We did it. God extended an invitation to us and we accepted it…we obeyed him….holding each other’s hand we walked on water. God did something to us…as a couple…and as individuals. He changed us…he challenged us…he grew us and he grew our family.

I don’t mean to imply that through the process of growing our family that Keri and I were something that we weren’t. We weren’t pious. We weren’t patient. We struggled through every inch of the process. We pushed against obstacles best left to the almighty one. We were frustrated…angry…disappointed countless times. Much of the time God had to drag us along as we kicked…as we screamed…as we shook our angry little fists in his face. He was so patient with us…so kind. The things he did…I will never get over the wonder of it all. When Ashley and Nick were born…I remember their very first day. I’ve forgotten most of the other days, but I remember the first one. The first time I saw Nicoleta in Romania was the same day she became our child. I remember the day…I remember the room. I remember thinking that Nicoleta’s departure is going to break her foster mother’s heart…and it did. I remember the first time I was alone with Luc. We were walking up the driveway and he took my hand because he wanted me to see the robin that landed in the yard. The first time I saw Ana in Guatemala I thought that she had the saddest and yet the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. At the time my opinion was that after she came home with Keri and I her eyes and heart would light up with happiness. Her and Nicoleta would be such friends! The first time I saw Miguel he climbed into my arms and called me “Poppy!” The next time I saw him he was in time out because he didn’t eat his dinner. About that time in some remote corner of my heart I knew that after Ana and Miguel came home that the growing phase of our family was over.

As I go through the process of remembering and writing of times past, Keri I suppose is my editor. As I complete parts of this memoir, I pass them along to her. To be fair I send them to her in box. I really don’t know if she reads them. I think that if I write something that someone I care about would find hurtful she would tell me. However, I don’t think she would ask me to leave something out that was hurtful if she thought it was also true. Because of that I thought I should tell her before she reads this that I haven’t gotten much in the way of fulfillment at this point in my child raising career. It took a certain amount of courage for me to verbalize that admission. My opinion is that as I mentally and collectively view my children, I should be bursting with pride and fulfillment but I’m not. Keri never judges me but I always unfairly expect her to. When I spilled that, we were walking together with Bella at the park. She said something I didn’t expect. She reminded me by what she said that we walked on water to bring four people home. Their lives are a miraculous transformation from what they would have been without us. She agreed that the experience of raising our children after they were born or came home was and in many cases continues to be difficult and unfulfilling. We didn’t get to talk further because while walking we ran into Nicoleta and her husband Julian walking their dogs. We talked a few minutes with them and then my moment was gone. My main takeaway from that brief conversation was that Keri understands my feelings and to some extent agrees with me. She also gave me a place to find fulfillment. We achieved what we set out to do…we walked on water to get them. Then we walked on the water during a hurricane while we raised them…we got through it. Sometimes I’m reminded how hopelessly in love I am with that woman. She followed me…I followed her…we followed God…to a place that bears no resemblance to what I imagined it would.

Can I just whisper from my heart that whatever sense of satisfaction that I have was not worth the sacrifice…yet. Will it ever? Would I do it again knowing the current outcome? Here’s what I would do. The best I could, I would do whatever God wanted me to do because my life is not mine. My life has always belonged to God…my wife…and my children. I gave them my life…I chose this…I love them all. I would do well to remember the difference between sacrifice and investment.