I had a thought today that unnerved me. I took the thought and put it in a box with a promise to myself that I would think about it later. At the time of the thought I was busy thinking about something else. The preacher was preaching and it is my normal practice to pay attention to him as he does so.

Later came, I opened the box and unpacked the thought that bothered me earlier in the day. The thought was that I am more concerned, more interested in, pay more attention to the stuff that goes on in my heart and mind than I am with the stuff that goes on around me….my circumstances. I haven’t decided if the allegation is true or not. The observation/accusation is that my imagination isn’t based in reality and the stuff going on around me warrants more attention/action that I am willing to devote to it.

The things I think about are not so many problems that need solving. I am not formulating plans for what to do if circumstances go one way or another. Here’s the thing. I have a wonderful life. My high opinion of my life has very little to do with my circumstances. Lately my motto has been in relation to my circumstances to “embrace the suck.” My circumstances at work have steadily deteriorated in the past year. My relationship with some of my children cannot be described as good. If my relationship can be described as good with some of the others then I am concerned with their well being before God. I think I have the normal thoughts and concerns that a father has for his children. Concerning my kids I have adopted the opinion that I am not in charge of how their lives turn out.

Anyway the point I am so feebly trying to make is that my life is not wonderful or bad because of my current circumstances. My life is grand because of Jesus. I can hardly think of anything else. I am so curious about him. I want to find out about him. I want to KNOW him but at the same time he seems so elusive. I have a feeling that knowing him better will somehow make my circumstances better or if not better more tolerable. Now that I’ve written it down I realize that it doesn’t matter if my circumstances get better or not as long as he continues to reveal just a little more of himself to me a little bit at a time. He uses what I see as difficulty in my life to keep me on his heels as he leads….as I follow. It occurs to me that maybe I should be grateful for the stuff of life that hurts because it keeps me thinking about….chasing after…desperately clinging to Jesus.

The Bible says that a day is coming when he will wipe away every tear. There will be no more sadness..no more pain…no more death…that stuff is gone forever. What must it be like to have my face in the hands of the one who saved me as he wipes away my tears with his thumbs? Why would I be crying? I guess I’ll have to ask him but he never gives me a straight answer….but he always keep me captivated.

PS…..I just read what I have written. I don’t mean to imply that I am more than I am. I struggle….a lot….in all the ways one would expect a man to struggle. Before God I complain….I whine and pout like a child. I don’t always follow and I get lost. I know he loves me because he always comes back to find me.