I haven’t much time left…or nerve. So while I have the thoughts, I must capture them…nail them to this page….before they disappear like smoke.

There are some things that are so profoundly personal to others that to even speak in whispers of them feels insulting.

“You have no right, how dare you ambush me with this, it’s none of your business!”

If that is the case then let us not speak in whispers of what is secret. Let us speak openly as men of what you made clearly apparent…especially to me. Because when I watch you, when I see you…hear you…I see myself. Since I see myself in you, without a change in direction I know what is coming. It cannot be avoided. It is axiomatic. You are walking on the edge in the dark and before you realize you are falling you will already be broken on the rocks.

How far are you really willing to go in your study of me? I have seen little to no evidence in the lives of my children that the example of my life experience has made any difference in theirs. That’s really okay with me. I would not deny any one of them the teacher that is the journey. I’m not sure a person can know me, study me and apply the lessons of my life to themselves in a vicarious effort to become wise. But just because I haven’t seen it doesn’t mean that it isn’t possible. I have yet to hear, “How can I avoid self-inflicted difficulty?” What I usually hear is, “What do I do now?”

Mind your tone…your tone wounds the most precious part of you. It hurts even me to just remember it. Always be gentle…always be kind. I know there is pressure, stress, frustration, grief, and even fear. But those things will always exist. If it were in my power, would I remove such things from the story that is your life? I would not. I will, however, walk with you as you go about the brutal process of mastering them. I wish I could tell you what a broken heart looks like in the eyes of the one you love. I’m sure you have experienced what it feels like. I’m also certain that you think you have seen it in another. But to see it…to see it with the knowledge that you were the one who caused it is beyond my ability to describe. It is a soul crushing feeling and experience. The prize of your life will forgive you…again. God will forgive you. But will you ever be able to forgive yourself?

Let me imagine myself addressing openly demonstrated issues.

Your opinion may be that it was such a small thing. You may be thinking that it was a momentary loss of control that was regretted and forgiven. You may think that whatever it was it doesn’t deserve such a lengthy rebuke. That may be true. But you didn’t just raise your voice…you weaponized it. Over years of time those small accumulated momentary lapses will gradually change something…something of value…something fundamentally good in the heart of a woman. There is so much that is wrong in the world. There is so much that happens seemingly all by itself that only serves to wound us…scar us. All I’m asking you to consider…to make your life’s work…is to not be a source of what is already so common…..pain. By comparison you know her so much better than I do. But I do know enough to understand that the important men in her life have been a source of disappointment and pain. Don’t be another man like that. Be gentle and always be kind…especially when you say her name.

I only address what’s next because I’ve heard you speak of it. There is a lie that many men believe as it concerns a job…vocation…career. The lie is we do it all for “them,” our family. That’s not really true. The truth is we do it for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with being outstanding in how we make a living. There is nothing wrong with being successful in our career and being paid well. It’s a source of personal validation. A good place to work will recognize and reward achievement. Personally, I am proud of your success. What often happens, however, in our primary…fundamental…and most foundational relationships, is we use our accomplishments to manipulate others.

“We have this because of me.”

“Without me none of this would be possible.”

“If it weren’t for me we couldn’t have that.”

Is it a stretch to imagine the other person may feel devalued in the never ending acquisition of stuff? While you were making everything happen she was quietly…privately..growing a little girl into a woman. Where is her validation…her recognition? That comes from the only person that matters, you. Don’t be tricked by the brass ring. It’s not as valuable as you think.

The thing I struggle with most is what I heard you describe as “presence.” Me? I check out. I internalize my daily baggage. I am there in body but I am light years away. The most important person wants me to be actively and mentally engaged with……her….what she’s doing…what she’s saying. I’m there just trying to ignore the noise of my own thoughts…my own personal brand of “I can’t do this right now.” But presence isn’t really the issue. It goes much deeper than that. What she really desires…craves…is intimacy. I don’t mean what happens behind closed doors when the kids are asleep. She wants to be connected to the heart of the man who is exclusively hers. You can accomplish that with a phone call….a quiet conversation in bed…the way you hold her while watching the television. Allow her to peal back the layers of who you are. Through years of time as more of you is revealed, what will she find? Your mom and I have a lifetime of shared history, joys and heartaches but what if she finds out that I’m really not a good man? That’s my fear. Does it matter if everyone who is important to me believes that I am a good man if I don’t believe it about myself?