My lawn mower is broken so I can’t think….but I manage to get the grass cut. Normally, riding on my little lawn tractor is a mindless chore. I used the time to be honest with myself about….myself. I lift my opinion to God and ask him, “Is this true?” Since my mower has a problem I can’t help but worry and think as I drive it that this time it will completely fail. Any thoughts or concerns that I would be thinking about on a completely functional lawnmower are dismissed in favor of anxiety. I hope that next week the parts store calls me to let me know that the special part I need is here. Another way to look at it would be to say that the lawnmower part I need also holds my thought life before God together. My smallness is amazing…my excuses are endless as well as creative.

God asks me, “Where’ve you been?” I guess my initial response would have to be, “Sorry…my lawnmower is broken.”

I suppose it’s fair to say that my internal struggles become more intense when my normal method of sorting stuff out is not available. My mind is heavy with weighted thoughts….some of those thoughts are lies. I am open to the idea that another sets of eyes on my mess may help me to figure out a way forward…a way to sift through the truth and the lies. My problem with the idea is that I don’t know anyone who has had life experience even remotely similar to mine.

There came a point when my wife and I decided that perhaps we together and separately should have open discussions with professional counselors. I made some phone calls and spoke to a counseling service. I asked for the oldest most experienced counselor available….who was a man. In short I attended the appointment with modest expectations. I was not disappointed. I explained my circumstances. I explained my thoughts as it pertained to my circumstances. I described my responses to my circumstances. I talked about the results of my responses. Through the monologue the counselor asked clarifying questions, made notes on a legal pad, and said “uh huh” a lot.

With fifteen minutes remaining in my session I concluded and asked, “What can I do differently?” “What thoughts do I have as it pertains to this stuff are lies?” “Please tell me if the way I responded was evil, inadequate, or wrong.” The counselor very kindly and without judgement told me that based on my perception of my circumstances that he couldn’t offer anything substantive to advise. In future sessions he told me we could perhaps further unpack individual things…go deeper…find what’s true…expose the lies. When we’re surrounded by sickness we begin to question our own health. I asked him if generally speaking if I was handling my circumstances well. He said yes…based on what I described. I told him that I felt validated….but I didn’t feel better. The counselor explained that if I wanted to “feel” better then I would have to talk to my primary care physician about medication. I used to take medicine to feel better…..it worked very well. But deep in my heart where the medicine didn’t reach I knew that feeling better wasn’t really what I wanted…I wanted others to be better…to heal…to be found. I wanted something else….something more.

The counselor thanked me for coming in and said that I could schedule my next visit on my way out. I didn’t make a subsequent appointment. As I walked to my car I entertained the thought that maybe I was someone special…someone uniquely designed to do something no one else could do…or would do. I look into the lives of others around me…not connected to me…and I pity them. Their lives seem so small…so tiny…so thin…so shallow. I have a big BIG life with all the pain and problems to keep me feeling it. As I closed my car door and drove away I thought that I should probably just get over myself….but I kept smiling.

Many years ago my wife said,”The bit of light that has kept me from walking away from this entire series of unpleasant events was the hope that maybe it was about more than just what I had to learn.” Last year my son’s wife said, “There’s a reason why this happened…I don’t know what it is but there is a good reason.” I stood outside a courtroom this past week and an attorney said to my wife, “You did the right thing then….you’re doing the right thing now.” I have a better memory for the things people say during the worst of times. It’s in those moments when people reveal who they are. The thing I realize because of my wife and my son’s wife as I remember these moments is that there is more…and it is good…. even if my feelings refuse to participate.

Happy Birthday Mason….

Bella is safe….

I’m at home…it still hurts…but I’m okay.