When I was a young married man I thought the greatest disadvantage my new bride and I had was the fact that our parents lived so very far away from us. Thirty years ago cellular phones were still a thing of the future and Al Gore hadn’t yet invented the Internet (if you believe that kind of thing). Long distance telephone service was available but it was very costly. Email and instant messages were still science fiction. Thirty years ago the technology of instant and inexpensive communication didn’t exist. I think my wife felt especially isolated from her family. I think it is fair to say that we struggled. As I adjusted and adapted to being married, I did a lot of stuff wrong. At the time I thought it would be better if older and wiser relatives were around us who could perhaps give me direction BEFORE I hurt my wife’s feelings. As it happened we had to struggle through alone. I’m certain that my parents didn’t call or write asking if I needed any advice pertaining to the great estate of marriage. I often listened nearby to my wife as she talked to her mom on a long distance call. She never, not even once said anything about how I drank directly from the milk jug. Never did she complain about my aim in the bathroom. My foul and colorful language was never a topic of the conversations my young wife had with her mom on the telephone.

After thirty years of being married I have the opposite opinion. I realize the greatest advantage my wife and I had was the fact that we lived so very far away from our parents. As a young man I didn’t realize that the struggles my wife and I had were the things that made our relationship strong and resilient. I can’t adequately communicate what a miracle it was that my wife didn’t give up on me. We had our struggles but they always remained between us. We never involved our parents in our issues. That’s not to say that we never needed help. We did, but we received it from others. It wasn’t that as a newly married couple we had the wisdom to keep our difficulties private from our parents. As I remember it my wife was usually the one who was wounded. Her desire to keep from shaming me before her parents was greater than the pain and heartbreak I inflicted on her.

My children have FINALLY begun to find spouses of their own. I have found it very difficult to maintain my silence as it pertains to the normal struggles of my newly married daughter and her husband. She is very nearby to me so I get to observe the stuff my parents and in-laws didn’t have to see when my wife and I got married. I want to guide and influence in a positive way. It’s almost irresistible to allow them to work stuff out on their own. I’m thinking that I should step back, be quiet, and let the newlyweds wrestle with their issues because it’s what makes them strong as a couple. As it pertains to my daughter, I loved her first and I have loved her longer than any man (including her husband). That being said my bias in favor of my daughter is obvious and blindly profound. As my adult children find marriage partners my role as a parent is evolving into something that feels a lot like……irrelevance. More honestly stated: I fear becoming irrelevant.

Never give up. Keep forgiving each other. Keep loving each other.

If any of my children need marital advice, I’ll give it now so that you know what you’re going to get. To my sons: an apology without repentance is worthless. To my daughters: Forgive him. A forgiven man never forgets. To my sons and daughters: Never give up….forgive….love. To my sons and daughters-in-law: I love you but I will never take sides against my child….even if they’re wrong. I may not have thought that last one out as thoroughly as I should have but I’m new at this and reserve the right to learn better. If you need me, I’m here at home.