I believe the goal, the final result of all this living is to become like Christ. As a much younger man I prayed and asked God to help me become a man like Jesus. I’m sure at the time I wasn’t focused on what the process would look like…..or feel like. My attention was directed toward the end of the process when the work was finished. As it turns out the process by which I become like Jesus includes one primary ingredient…..suffering. I have never understood those who claim it is God’s will for me to have a lot of money, good health, and comfortable circumstances. I’m not rich but I have enough money, I’m in reasonably good health, and compared to the rest of the world I live like a king. The question that I have for those of that gospel is…what about my heart? Money, health, and an air conditioned house do nothing to ease the ache that always…always exists in my heart for a handful of people. Just because my heart and attention are turned toward God doesn’t mean that living will be painless. There are significant others in my life whose choices wound me. There are names that I call out to God hoping that he will find and rescue them. The only answer I get is more heart break, more suffering. How long? Why not now? This is too hard for me. “Cast me aside but please don’t abandon the search for those you have given to me.”

I have discovered that behaving in a manner that is consistent with the behavior of Jesus is really not what I want. My good behavior is just a by-product of the continuing process that is alive and thriving within me. My bad behavior is another indicator that there is still so much to be done. Suffering for my own bad choices is just the nature of things. I reap what I sow. When I suffer because of the choices of others however, I get a taste of what it must feel like TO BE Jesus. My spiritual DNA, my spiritual biology are being altered. I can feel it. It hurts. I’m finding that things matter less and less. The only things that matter are not things. They are the people God has placed before me to love. Becoming the man that Jesus was when he was here on Earth is not about conforming my behavior to his. I don’t want to act like him. I want to become as he IS…from the inside out.

I know what it feels like to be rejected and abandoned. I know what it feels like to be considered a glorified ATM or vending machine. I understand what it means to always be available when I’m of some use and yet still never known. I’m ready for this to be over. I’m waiting for the redeemer to redeem. In the meantime I will desperately cling to my only hope with my eyes squeezed shut.