I sat down with a man, my friend and released a long breath of frustration. I told him my sad story. I spoke of my anger, my bitterness, and my heart breaking disappointment. Mine was supposed to be a story of adventure, heroes, and rescue. As the final chapters are revealed it is becoming increasingly apparent that my tale is one of tragedy, miserable failure, and defeat.

I realize that the present is just a snap shot in time or a paragraph on the page and the story never really stops. But I have lost my ability to focus on anything else and I’m overwhelmed. My friend let me lament my difficult circumstances….he let me vent. He then asked me with whom I was angry. I named each one. Let me also confess and be clear that I was most profoundly angry with God.

God invited me to do something special, something that was too big for me, something that was bigger than me. I knew it would be difficult to live through the process of accomplishing the task he gave me to do. But it wasn’t difficult….it was impossible. Clearly God would have to be the primary operator as the task was carried out. Can words adequately communicate what happens in the heart of a man when his wife desperately clings to him and weeps on his shoulder as she loses hope? The process of achievement was brutal as God carried out his plan. I could tell stories of life within the task. Just when I believed all was lost, God would move a mountain. But presently God isn’t moving anything….at least as far as my perception can detect.

My friend asked me for some clarity. Was I angry because things haven’t turned out well or was I angry with the people involved? I told him that I was angry with God because he took me by the hand and led me to the gates of Hell where he snatched four people from the pit and gave them to me to love….apparently so that I could watch them journey back to exactly where I found them. I am angry with God because he used my obedience to break my heart.

My friend sat and looked at me for a moment from his chair. He then reminded me of precisely what I did not want to hear. He leaned forward and said, “Soldiers obey….soldiers sacrifice. Soldiers aren’t privy to all the details of the big picture. All a soldier knows is that final victory is the ultimate goal in war. When the soldier steps onto the battlefield he must see his life as already lost.” He asked me if I was familiar with what a “living sacrifice” is….what a “living sacrifice” does. I affirmed that I was familiar with the concept. I quoted chapter and verse. He instructed me to not trivialize the “concept” and to not relegate it to just an idea. The war is real. The wars in history, the wars of the present day are metaphors for the real war….the invisible war in which I am a soldier. Soldiers obey….soldiers sacrifice.

At the conclusion of our conversation the man asked me what I was going to do. What could I do? I have nothing else. I assured him that apostasy wasn’t on the table if that was what he was driving at. He asked me to not see the story as over no matter how bleak the circumstances may appear. He reminded me of a scene from one of the Lord of the Rings movies. Just as all hope was lost for those trapped in Helms Deep, Aragorn and King Theoden agreed to ride out together to meet the enemy and die as soldiers. Once outside the keep, as they began to engage the enemy, on the horizon with the sun at his back appeared the White Rider and his army. The enemy was quickly routed. I told my friend that I remembered that scene but it was just a movie. He agreed that it was just a movie, but in his opinion it illustrated how timely is the arrival of God when it’s time to move the mountain. Half heartedly I agreed and rose to leave.

As I grasped the door knob as though it were an afterthought my friend reminded me of hope and gave me something to read later. He asked me to not just read the information but to search for what it means. I have searched for months with no clarity until very recently. The mud in the water is beginning to settle and there is a strange comfort that I am settling into….resting in.

Concerning final victory:  “Look, God’s home is now among his people!  He will live with them and they will be his people.  God himself will be with them.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever.”  And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!”  And then he said to me, “Write this down for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”

I’m not dead yet so….hope….remains….alive.

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