In conversation I have never been a very effective communicator. It seems that in the moment I can’t find the words that adequately express what I am trying to say. Often times after I have talked to someone what I should have said or what I truly meant to say could have been said differently…..or not at all. Thoughts like, “I wish I had said….” or “what I really meant to say was….”, come to my mind later. Does that ever happen to you? I compensate for my verbal ineffectiveness by writing my thoughts down. If I want to effectively communicate with someone I will write them a note…or a letter. Many people say I have a gift for this kind of thing….writing. I’m grateful for this gift because my mind is cluttered and noisy. There is so much to think about….so many problems to figure out….what to do….what to say….where do I go from here? Writing this kind of stuff down helps me to manage my thoughts. It gives me some clarity….it helps me to realize and sometimes rediscover what I already know.

I have problems and I have struggles. I have patterns of behavior that are self-destructive. The things I do apart from God to solve my problems or to relieve my heart’s pain are at best ineffective and at worst only really serve to destroy and ruin me. This is my sin. There are things God has shown me as I struggle, as I attempt to meet my perception of what my needs are apart from him, as I sin. If I sit down with someone and try to verbally explain this stuff, the words come out all wrong. I don’t expect that the things I have learned will be of any benefit to anyone else. This is stuff God has shown me….for me. God doesn’t speak to me about how I am to handle the problems and difficulties of someone else. But…God…Does…Speak…To…Me! Maybe if someone reads this they will think what most people do. This person is a nut. This person isn’t right in his mind. If a person is open to the idea of a speaking God, they don’t believe that God does, has, or would speak to them. I think part of the problem may be that most people equate “speaking” with speech…words expressed verbally or in print…or language. I think the biggest part of the problem is that most people are not attentive to the one who is speaking. Are we open to the idea that God may not limit himself to words, speech, and language when communicating with us? Can we allow ourselves to believe that God does not confine himself within our limitations as it concerns “speaking?” As I write this I realize why I so poorly communicate to others what God says to me…..what he does openly in front of me. It’s because I have to translate my experience into English words that don’t ever seem to adequately capture what God said or did. Yet I am compelled to think about it, translate it, and to have the courage to share it….even if nobody gets it.

Here’s the thing I have learned about pain. Better to lean into it and embrace it than it is to flee from it or ignore it. It’s okay to weep, to cry….tears are a precious and cleansing commodity. Do you know that God has publicly stated that he saves our tears in a bottle? Ultimately this place called Earth will cease to exist. It will be remade. BUT he will save our tears? There are two things from this world that God has chosen to preserve forever, the scars of Jesus and our tears. Read the record. This is the kind of thing I think about. Of all things, why do our tears carry such value?

I have a hard time figuring out why talking about our struggles and weaknesses is such a big deal. Everybody struggles but we walk around and live our lives as though all our ducks are in a row and our circumstances are well within our ability to cope with them. My perception is that if I talk about my problems with others and how I compensate or manage them then I will be judged. At some point in my life it occurred to me, “so what.” So what if I am judged. I have found that the judgement of others doesn’t hurt me. On the other hand I am very selective with whom I share my baggage. The primary qualification I place on someone with whom I share specific issues is that they love me. A person has to ask themselves, “who loves me?” Expose your pain to that person. Weep on that shoulder. Why are we so afraid of that? Remember this about me as it concerns you. I love you. No good deed or accomplishment no matter how noble enhances my love for you. No mistake no matter how grievous will diminish it. Telling me or someone else who loves you your secret struggle does not or is supposed to solve your problem. I can’t fix it. So what’s the point? The point is that now there is light.