My great regret in life is the disconnect that occurred between me and my family. I sometimes think that there is something fundamental missing in me. What happened to me? I watch the way my wife interacts with her family and I don’t get it. They are interested and concerned with one another. I feel none of that. They communicate with each other on a regular basis. I rarely do. Although I don’t get it, I realize that I’m the one who is maladjusted. What feels normal to me really isn’t. The way my wife interacts with her family is normal. The way I interact with mine is not.

Recognizing my problem does nothing to change me. I understand that 20 something years ago I left my home and family and I never went back. To say that I’m disinterested or unconcerned with my mom, brothers, or sister isn’t exactly what it is. I think I can be more accurately described as self-absorbed. Still, recognizing my problem does nothing to change me. Why did I turn out this way?

Is there someone to blame? Assigning blame to myself or someone else doesn’t change the way I am. Figuring out who’s at fault doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change me. If I could accurately attach blame what do I do then? Do I find that person and demand that they fix me?

Here’s the thing that I’ve been able to figure out. On my own I am powerless to change myself. I need help. I am completely dependant on a strength that I don’t possess. There is nothing I can do to get it. The one who is strong, the one with the power to change me will help me or he won’t. There is only one thing and nothing else I can do. I must cast myself at his feet and plead for his mercy. Will he be merciful to me? I honestly don’t know. I don’t think a person with the capacity to show mercy obligates himself to give it just because I may beg for it or recognize my need for it. Mercy can not be claimed, it must be given by the one who is merciful.

Some people believe that if I live by a certain set of rules or code of conduct I am a more likely candidate for mercy when I need it. That is a lie. The capacity to follow the rules for any length of time is impossible. I always fail to perform well. I always need mercy. So what’s the point? If the one with the strength and mercy hasn’t in some way obligated himself to me and I am powerless with no right to ask him for anything what is the point in asking him or begging him for anything? The point is he loved me. He loves me. He will always love me. His love for me changes everything. It changes me. No good deed, no matter how great will enhance his love for me. No poor choice I make will diminish it. Everything and everyone I ever depended on to make my life work apart from the one with strength and mercy ruined me.

He requires one thing from me. He asks that I only believe that he is who he says he is. Do I believe? I’m not sure that immediate deliverance from my misery is what his mercy looks like. I am only certain of his love for me. My perception of my circumstances often leads me to conclude that I am abandoned and without hope. I’ve learned to not trust my perception. I am loved. There is hope. I have nothing else.

Our sister carefully explained to me your current circumstances. She asked me to communicate with you. She asked me to pray for you. I will. You will find strength when you truly realize you are powerless to change or heal yourself. Don’t believe the lie that tells you that by yourself you are able to change.

Caleb