I have always secretly believed that you are the best of us. You have never given me reason to doubt that. Can I tell you that you never disappointed me? I always believed in you. You inspire me. You may wonder how I can say such things when I know of the dark places you have been. You see, I was powerless to help you. In my weakness I had a choice. I could choose to say, “No wonder she turned out this way. Look at where she came from.” What I chose to believe was that what I always secretly believed was true: you are the best of us. You found the bottom and were not content to remain there. You are, in every sense of the word, a miracle.

As it concerns”Fathers Day,” I had no idea of your struggles then. My memory almost always casts me in the most favorable light. I wonder if I would have sought for you had I known. I have no excuse, I should have known. Our mother raised me to be supremely independent. I was not to need or concern myself with others. She was trying to help me avoid pain and heartbreak. I remember a moment in time when she let me see something of herself. I was young, a teenager. We were standing in the laundry room, just off the garage. I forget why we were there but her words and tears are forever branded in my mind. She told me that when she was very young the best thing in her life was taken from her: our father. Even then our father’s memory grieved her. She told me that she floundered for a long time. She wasn’t sure if she could make it with three small children. Eventually she remarried. Perhaps she shouldn’t have I don’t know. I am certain that she stayed married for us. Her message to me was don’t need anyone and don’t give your heart away. I followed her instructions. I discovered much later that I wasn’t a participant in life but a spectator. I figured out that if I wanted to live I was going to have to risk what I was taught to protect: my heart. God has used people to give me profound joy. On the other hand it has been people who have brought me to my knees. If I want one I must live through the other.

From here I have watched you learn how to be happy. I talk to people who wish for something else so that they can be happy. Some wish for a different spouse. Others wish for different activities to fill their days. They believe the lie that says happiness lies in getting what I want. You have shown me that you believe that happiness is being content with what you have. I’m convinced that most people don’t really know what they want. They just think they do. I think this is true because once they get what they want they realize, “Hmm, it made me feel good for a while now the feeling is gone.” People who think conclude that “happiness” must be an illusion. I suppose happiness that depends on having what I want is an illusion.

You made some profoundly negative remarks about yourself in your comment. Don’t let what happened define you. You are not or have you ever been the person you described. You are a good woman. You are brave and strong. I can’t get over your victory.

I understand now that you lived through the worst of what happened ten years ago. I only arrived when the dust began to settle. I’m sorry if what I wrote minimized you and the difficult role you played during that time. Incidentally, I remember that you did meet me at a restaurant for lunch when I came down.

I hope one day soon I can see you. I want to see your eyes when we talk. I want to hear your laughter. And no apologies, okay?

I love you.

Your Brother,
C