Before Nicoleta was a year old a young woman who claimed to be her mother abandoned her at a small pediatric hospital in a remote village in Romania. She remained in that hospital until she was four years old. For over three years she was confined to a crib that she shared with a little boy named Coco. She was never taken outside to play. There was no one who spoke to her. There was no one who held her. Her crib provided no view of what was outside. She never felt the sun on her face or the grass under her feet. She never heard the birds sing or the wind blowing through the trees. During this time she never had a taste of solid food. She was given a bottle in the morning and at bedtime. Her only human contact was with Coco and the impersonal nurse who changed her diaper and brought her bottle.

Do you know what normally happens to babies who live in such conditions for an extended period of time? It’s not unusual for them to lose their mind. They may become sociopaths
or psychopaths. Sometimes they simply lose their will to live and quietly die. Why was Nicoleta spared? Why does she not demonstrate the signs of neglect from her early childhood? Why did she continue to thrive in the face of such adversity? I sometimes think about things like that.

Communication is a fine art. Often the things we say are not received in the way that we intend. We mean to say something constructive and it is perceived by the listener as degrading. It’s also important to note that the way we speak to another communicates a message. Let me respectfully remind you that our communication with children and teenagers has a profound impact on them. Sometimes our kids believe lies about themselves that they think they are hearing from us. It is not unusual for people to define themselves based on what they believe others thought of them during their formative years.

Over the past several days you have communicated with Nicoleta in such a way that she has perceived as humiliating and berating. She believes that her value to you is measured by her academic performance. She further believes that your opinion of her will never improve because she will not be a star performer in the classroom. I really don’t think that you intended to make Nicoleta feel unacceptable to you. In fact I choose to believe the opposite is true. One day Nicoleta will learn and rest in the truth that acceptance by another is never earned. Either a person freely and unconditionally accepts another or they don’t, we have no control in the matter. Living up to the expectations of another doesn’t mean that we are accepted by them.

I think that sometimes I make my kids believe that my love and acceptance of them is based on how well they keep their bedroom neat and tidy or how well they did on their last progress report. We have to be careful don’t we? Everyday life with it’s endless routines and demands blinds us to the opportunities we have with our kids.

I didn’t know if you were familiar with Nicoleta’s background or not but her discouragement lately caused me to remember it and share it with you. I don’t seize every opportunity offered to me but I took this one. I reminded Nicoleta of the truth of who she really is. She is not defined by her performance. It doesn’t matter if she nails a difficult tumbling feat or does poorly in school. Those things don’t matter. I reminded her that she was divinely protected as a baby and small child. God has something planned especially for her that I can’t begin to imagine. She is special. She must be special. These things are equally true of your kids and those you encounter every day at school.

I know that demanding excellence from our kids is important but it’s not the most important thing. Every once in a while I need to be reminded of that. How about you?

Thanks for taking the time.

Sincerely,
Caleb