On this man’s quest for an elusive God I’m learning some things. Many times relationships degenerate into messes. The circumstances of living in this temporal place and culture never really improve do they? As I get older I understand that the pain and suffering of being human is not something that can be avoided. Nevertheless I still try to arrange for comfort and protection from the stuff that hurts me. Nothing works.

From the middle of the pain I cry out to God, “Where are you?” Do you know what He says? He says nothing. Any sense of His presence is long gone. As I live with pain I begin to understand what I really want. In the beginning I wanted relief from something God could have prevented but didn’t. In the middle of the pain I realize that I want to experience Him more than I want relief. If living with pain keeps me in His lap then I will embrace it. A broken heart puts me in a place where I can see that all I really desire is God. At this point relief loses it’s importance. Things may work out or they may not. “Please God, give me more of Yourself.”

How does God answer a prayer like that? Does He give me something extra that I can feel? No, He doesn’t. My experience is showing me that He just allows or arranges for more stuff to go wrong. Why? So my desire for more of Him grows further. Here’s a hard truth: We will never experience God as our heart desires on planet Earth. Right now I anticipate what’s coming but I can’t experience it fully. That comes later.

Understanding that God is really what we desire is a divine blessing. There is relief to a heart that catches on to that. But there’s something else, a secret. As I live to realize that God is all my heart desires I understand something else. The orchestration of time, events, pain, and suffering in my life mean more than showing me my desire for God. The development of the divine agenda shows me what God wants. He wants me and He is relentless in the pursuit of my heart. He means to have me completely.

My life is not a story of living and dying. It’s the story of how God won me.

Caleb