To My Friends,

I’ve talked to some of you about my personal struggles with what Larry Crabb calls the Law of Linearity. Over the past several days (maybe the last few weeks) I’ve come to some conclusions. Let me share them. I had a difficult time reconciling in my heart and mind how God seems to operate. In my mind it seems so natural to reward good behavior. If our kids do well don’t we pat them on the back or somehow positively reinforce their good behavior? I don’t think God operates like that. I am used to comparing my relationship with God to the relationship children have with a parent. At some point the comparison breaks down doesn’t it? To muddy the waters further someone quoted Hebrews to me. “Without faith it is impossible to please God. He that comes to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him.” After this was quoted I was asked about Ashlee. Could the way she is turning out be a reward? In my heart I further thought that I should not lose sight of the valuable and vital relationships I’ve been blessed with. being in good relationships, involved with a good church family, not to mention the usual trappings that money buys, when is it enough? For me the answer is it is never enough. I was losing heart because I began to think that maybe my expectations were too high. I wanted more and I felt greedy.

After church on Sunday Nicoleta and I wanted to watch a movie together. After much debate it was decided that we would watch Shall We Dance. I guess you can see that I did not win this particular engagement. When Nicoleta lost interest and moved on to other stuff I continued to watch. Isn’t it funny the stuff God uses to get our attention? It’s a story of a man who seems to have everything. He has a safe law practice. He has a loving wife and good, well adjusted kids. He has everything that this world has to offer. Yet, he was unhappy. On his way home from his office he began to notice a dance school where a beautiful young woman seemed to be always standing in the window. At some point he mustered the courage to go to the dance school. In the beginning I think he was more interested in meeting the woman than he was in dancing. He found however that he really enjoyed dancing and continued to take lessons. Thru what seemed like weeks he kept this from his wife and family. He wasn’t fooling around with another woman or doing anything that seemed to be particularly embarrassing. Toward the end of the movie his wife finds out what he has been doing and goes to a competition where her husband is competing. Needless to say he doesn’t know she is coming. When the husband sees his wife in the crowd he gets nervous and makes some mistakes in the competition. When he and his wife confront each other she asked him why he kept dancing a secret from her. He said that he was ashamed to tell her that sometimes he was unhappy even though he has more than most of the men he knows. He said that he didn’t want to hurt her by not being contented all the time. He had it all but he wanted more.

In a lot of ways the husband’s situation is like mine. I have much but I want more. I went back and reexamined the Hebrews passage. If God rewards those who diligently seek him, what then is the reward? Is it fair to call wanting more greed? Is what I call greed better described as hunger? Do I really want more or do I want something else?

This note is getting too long so I will close with my conclusions:

1. I am not greedy, I am hungry.
2. If God is the rewarder like the Bible says, then HE
must be the reward. I don’t think anything else is
going to work for me. I want more of him and not
more of the other stuff (good as it is).

I invite your kind feedback and other comments.

Sincerely,
Caleb